He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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