i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
