I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You smell like stripper and shame
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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