I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
