the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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