My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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