she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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