i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
