I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
