The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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