We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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