then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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