literally had 100 drinks last night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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