This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
