I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
