Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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