The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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