you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
