i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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