I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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