Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i came on her dog
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
