I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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