the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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