When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
