I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
