How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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