I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
