So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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