I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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