I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
