When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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