The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
