so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
