i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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