I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
