Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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