Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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