Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
