How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
