3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
