gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
