True but thats because hes a fetus.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
