i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
