Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
