found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
