I think my vagina is haunted
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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