these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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