I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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