: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
