I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i think i just lost a toe
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
