Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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