i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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