first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
