Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
