Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
