Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
