the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
