is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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