the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My pussy is not your playground.
Found the puke drawer
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
