Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
