I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
