____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
